5 Types of annoying af regular gym goers in Singapore

Ah, we've all been there, the place full of daunting equipments, weird grunting noises, a variety of different people and sometimes weird unpleasant smell. It's also the place where we thought might be the answer to our bulging bellies, flappy arms and other body parts that make weird noises when we walk. Yes, it's the gym. The gym is a helluva boring place, some run like a hamster on a wheel, some lift some really heavy things and others, I don't know what they're doing there at all, basically, you're there to make life harder for yourself but we still do it anyway. Over the years, I got so bored at the gym that I begin observing the shit that people do there and here are some of the categories I've put them into.

1) The Meatball

This species is purely male, at least from my observation and characterised by their ridiculously unbelievable body shape of round. Not the professional weightlifter kind of round, not the fat kind of round and saggy, not the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of huge bulging and lean but something of that size and looks like a human version of Snorlax; round and muscular.

This species can usually be found in groups of pairs or more, spotting each other and lifting insane weights that most people can't handle. While they workout, this species exhibits what I would describe as a "human mating call" throughout the duration of their gym visit. This unique exhibition comes in the form of the following set of behaviours (1) loud grunt while they lift, (2) weight slamming and/or (3) loud casual chats that can be heard resonating throughout the entire gym. Basically just a lot of unnecessary noise. This, I assume, is an effort to catch the attention of everyone else in the gym thereby increasing their chances of finding a suitable mate who appreciates them for who they are (round).

2) The Girlfriend

This species has absolutely no business to be in the gym and can be seen at whichever corner le boyfriend goes like a guardian angel protecting him from any lurking vixens. In my encounters, this species appears to be allergic to sweating and has severe boyfriend-sticking ability. They come in workout gear, be next to le boyfriend while he works out and instead of working out together like #couplegoals, she engages in another form of intense, new-age workout called Selfie Marathon. In-between rests in her marathon, she whines and flirts with le boyfriend before getting back to it. Very intense, much tiring. *clap clap*

I give my respect to The Girlfriend for having such high level of self-admiration to the extent of filling up her Photo gallery with probably 3,141,592,654 seemingly similar photos of herself (and her working-out boyfriend, but mostly herself) at the gym in one visit and furthermore, from that 3,141,592,654 photos, pick out a few to edit and post on Instagram be like #couplegoals #workout #fitspo even though she did absolutely no actual workout.

3) The Nuke

I can bear with many other gym goers listed in this post but this species has the ability to make me stop what I'm doing immediately and change to another location in the gym even if I'm halfway through. This species has a somewhat equal gender distribution, are the master of surprise nukes with an attack range of varying distances and come in only two variations to exhibited why too much of anything is never a good thing and noses can be raped too. You can't tell just by looking and you'd be surprised that some good looking ones can be good at this type of nuking.

Type 1: The Cologne/Perfume/Deodorant Obsessed

This variation of Nuker is characterised by their immense, overuse of fragrances and can be most aptly described as a living, breathing, exercising Glade Air Freshener. I appreciate that they're probably aware of their B.O. and are trying to save us all by covering it with some form of 'pleasant' scent but too much is almost just as bad. This variation has a larger AoE range of 2m (compared to Type 2) but the damage done is less because it's still somewhat 'pleasant' after all. When they walk, they leave a trace of scent that lingers around for a while, kinda like how the foxes leaves a strong scent in their natural habitat or like how insects releases pheromones to attract mates from far far away. So... who/what you attracting?

Type 2: That Asshole

This variation of the Nuker is much more lethal and has a higher stealth mode than Type 1, they're like professional assassins, by the time you notice it, it's too late and you better run if you can. They kill you with a bomb that smells like a pungent mix of garlic, onion and ammonia that does maximum nose damage proportional to their perspiration and has the ability to rip your soul out of your physical body. Thankfully, they have a much smaller AoE of about 30cm radius. #balancedhero

Once, I was running on the treadmill and 20mins later, a member of Type 2 started running next to me. It wasn't long before he hit me with his nuke and there wasn't anything I could do to save my nose from being raped because (a) All the other treadmills were occupied, (b) I only have a couple of minutes left till the end of my run and (c) I was panting and breathless like mad as you would in a run. So as much as I would love to not breathe in his nuke, I couldn't slow down my breathing(?!?!), therefore, inevitably and unwillingly, I took in multiple lungful before I ended my run and left. It was a horrifying experience. That day, I felt so violated and finally understood that noses can be raped. Since then, I remembered his face for life and made sure I never run in the gym during peak hours.

4) The Stroller

Speaking of treadmills, I definitely have to bring up "The Stroller". Like "The Girlfriend", this species has absolutely no business being in the gym and can be most commonly found in the gym after office hours, mostly between 6pm to 8pm. Observably, this species is predominantly female, comes in a pair or more, dons decent workout attire and gets on the treadmill with their handy dandy earpiece and smartphone. Here's the catch, they don't run. Not even brisk walk on an elevated platform. But just stroll on the treadmill while chatting with their fellow strollers or watching their latest oppa drama.

As a result, during the peak period, The Strollers deprived others who are intending to actually run on the treadmill of their opportunity. Of course, a little bit of waiting for a treadmill is normal even in premium gyms like Fitness First, but because these people come in groups and can stroll leisurely on the treadmill for anywhere between 45mins to 1 hour, it is likely you can forget about your run.

If you're intending to have a leisure stroll while chatting or watching your drama, I personally prefer a walk in a park or along the waters at Clarke Quay or Marina Bay Sands. It's nearer to the office, have an amazing atmosphere and it's free. #justsaying. Oh, and just so you know, strolling burns the same amount of calories regardless where you are physically, it's not like strolling in the gym burns more.

5) The Whore-der

Lastly, this species is purely male, either has no gym etiquette or is a Prince that I don't recognise. Basically, they like to leave things lying around such as the equipments they just used, their personal belongings - towel, handphone, water bottle, you name it, they leave it. If nudity is legal in Singapore, they'd probably start leaving their garments lying around too, down to their underwear.

Think someone accidentally left their towel hanging on an empty bench? Think again. If you were to ignore that towel and use the bench, there's a chance this species will come to you from another corner of the gym and be like "Hey bro, I am using this bench." Or if you were to kindly return the unattended dumbbells you've just found lying somewhere else on the floor, back to the rack, he'd probably come over and tell you he's using it too. Come to think of it, he's like a dog peeing everywhere to mark his territories, although he's not physically here now, he sure as hell 'choped' it with something.

Until next time,

Brian

#gym #exercise #fitspo